


come back and tell me why it feels like i've missed you all this time

by ziamgaylinson



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: F/M, M/M, also i started writing this when i was upset, and sadness, but if you get confused let me know i'll explain, bye, im rambling, it makes sense to me, kinda angsty, mostly because it was kinda personal, there's family
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-14
Updated: 2014-09-14
Packaged: 2018-02-17 07:41:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2301854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ziamgaylinson/pseuds/ziamgaylinson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes being happy is easy. Zayn can’t be happy because it’s not right. And it hurts the most knowing he fucked up so badly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	come back and tell me why it feels like i've missed you all this time

**Author's Note:**

> I'd just like to start off by saying thank you to Zila, my bae. She isn't even in this fandom, let alone does she like fanfics in general, yet she tolerated me sending her stuff constantly and asking for her opinion and input and stupid things about this and she beta'd and she rocks.
> 
> Next, this is the longest thing I've ever written so far that doesn't have multiple chapters that I actually finished (I am patting myself on the back basically) and it was gonna go abandoned until I found it again and thought to finish it (I started writing while I was upset about stuff and it just happened). Also there is a playlist/soundtrack thing I made of the songs I listened to while writing this [Here](http://open.spotify.com/user/ziamgaylinson/playlist/36nBugAsoQcPTiFnEdQgSL)
> 
> Finally, the title of this comes from Everything Has Changed by Taylor Swift.
> 
> (It'll be two parts because the ending got erased and I'm hella frustrated about it)

Sometimes being happy is easy. But it's finding that happiness, however, that is the challenge.

 

It's kind of hard to be happy when the person he once found that joy in, is with someone else. Kissing them, hugging them, and showering them with affection. And seeing them together gives him that gut-wrenching feeling of jealousy and guilt because he knows he should be a good friend and be happy for the couple. But he can't.

 

Zayn can't be happy because it's not right. Though, he can't be mad because he had his chance once and blew it and that's where the jealousy comes in and he wants to break glass with his fists to feel physical pain rather than the emotional pain to take his mind off of things. Followed right by guilt because that's his best friend and he's supposed to be happy for him.

 

Just, he can't.

 

It pains him to see Liam, _his_ Liam wrapped around Sophia like that. Their eyes shining with love and it's kind of hard not to see it (and he remembers a time when Liam looked at him like that). When Liam cups her face in his warm hands, rubbing circles with his thumb on his cheek before leaning in to connect their lips, or when she whispers something to Liam that makes him blush, even though he's a grown man and he shouldn't look like a twelve year old girl when she sees her crush, and Zayn has to look away because it's just too much.

 

And it hurts the most knowing that he fucked up so badly. It's just, Zayn isn't the best when it comes to expressing himself and his feelings. Usually it comes out in his writing or his art, or even his music. That's why most of the things he's written sound like sad love songs and his paintings are in different shades of reds and blues with bits of green-- to represent his anger, sadness and envy.

 

It gets harder to hang out with his friends, too.

 

Louis and Harry, who have been in love since forever and have never left that smooth honeymoon period, are always cuddled up and so cute, that Zayn just wants to puke rainbows. Niall and that nice girl Cher, from the coffee shop down the street (but at least they do their couple things at her place).Then there's the new couple, Sophia and Liam.

 

Liam, all soft smiles and hard muscles that scream, "First I'll meet your parents, then fuck you while they're in the next room." Liam, with warm brown eyes and pink lips that Zayn wants to kiss until they're both tired and their lips are sore.

 

But Zayn fucked up.

 

And there's nothing he can do to fix it.

 

.

 

What sucks the most is that she doesn't even live with them, but it's almost like she does. Recently she's started staying longer into the night and actually stayed the night more than a few times.

 

And the nights that she does stay only fade into the mornings that Zayn wakes up late and has to skip a shower and breakfast because he can't bear to look at Liam on his mornings after while his girlfriend is in the shower.

 

More than a few times, he's come home to her sitting in their living room or cooking in their kitchen like that's where she belongs, and it's not. But he's been nothing but nice to her anyways.

 

.

 

"We're heading out now. You sure you don't wanna come along?" Liam asks slipping his arms into his coat, and Zayn hears a hint of hopefulness in his voice (or thinks he hears because that's what he wants to hear).

 

He smiles at Liam, it's a smile he spent three hours perfecting and replies, "No. I'm a bit tired and I'm almost finished with this piece." He says gesturing to the piano behind him and adds, "Don't worry, I'll be fine. Just go, the guys are waiting." when Liam hesitates.

 

Zayn turns around to organize his papers, showing Liam that he is indeed busy. His smile doesn't fall until the sound of the door clicking shut reaches his ears.

 

Two months ago, when Zayn hadn't fucked up, he would have gladly gone clubbing with the boys. He would have had more than enough drinks, danced (if you could even call it that) with an equally drunk Louis on the dance floor, and probably pass out on the ride home, leaving Liam the only one sober enough to carry him up the stairs. Now, he feels like staying in, ordering Chinese takeaway and passing out on the couch under a too thick blanket, watching a movie that he and Liam always watched together.

 

With a final sigh, Zayn begins to play. Reading the notes he mapped out on the paper, fingers flying across the keys effortlessly. Then he begins to sing along. The other lyrics are lyrics he'd never show anyone. But Louis snoops around enough to find them, and then he'd be forced to explain them.

 

When Zayn's finished, he sits shoulders slumped and head hung in silence, only for a few seconds before the doorbell chimes. At the door is the pizza he'd ordered while the others were getting ready to leave (he can't have Chinese all the time, now can he?) .

 

"I heard you playing the piano." The delivery girl says with wide eyes as Zayn is signing the receipt. "It was beautiful. Was it an original?"

 

"Uh, Yeah. Thanks." He says, the corners of his lips quirked up in what is almost a smile, but would probably pass as a smirk. The girl takes the receipt, along with the tip in Zayn's hand.

 

Before leaving, she tells him that if he were famous she'd definitely be a fan, to which Zayn shakes his head. But when the door is shut again, the little bit of pride that Zayn gained from the small compliment immediately diminishes as he remembers who the song was for.

 

Instead of plopping down on the couch and starting whatever movie was in the DVD player, Zayn heads up to his room. He doesn't want to wake up to a penis drawn in permanent ink on his forehead, courtesy of Louis and Niall.

 

Sometime between finishing off a bottle of Mountain Dew, his fourth or maybe sixth piece of pizza and Tony Stark, Zayn falls asleep. Stomach full, but heart empty.

 

.

 

He wakes up sometime around noon, closer to 1 p.m. thankful that the others most likely have hangovers and can't be bothered with their normal morning shenanigans. More than anything Zayn wants to roll over and go back to sleep. He almost does, but the smell of coffee pervades his senses and it motivates him to get up and trudge down the stairs in last nights clothes.

 

Snores pour through the crack of Louis and Harry's bedroom door. Niall's heavier snores, louder even with the door closed, make their way down the hall as Zayn tries to tiptoe past the room of the sleeping dragon, aka Louis because when he's hung over, he's easier to aggravate than a sleeping bear.

 

Liam's door is wide open and he's not in his room, confirming that it was Liam, the only one considerate enough, downstairs making coffee. And Zayn's almost tempted to go back upstairs and hide away. He doesn't, though, because even though he's weak, he's already awake and his brain is programmed to coffee.

 

Liam is in the kitchen, looking into the open refrigerator for milk probably. If it were two, maybe three months ago, Zayn would have walked up behind Liam, wrapped an arm around his waist and buried his face in the crook of Liam's neck. And maybe he would have pressed a small, but lingering kiss on the open skin, playing it off as him being half asleep and feeling a bit cuddly.

 

Now, he just stands there, watching Liam in only his tight black boxers, admiring the way his skin stretches taut over the muscles that were formed through years of dedication to going to the gym. Zayn's eyes wander lower and lower until he realizes how creepy he's being and blushes.

 

"Morn- Morning," Zayn rasps, grimacing at how rough his voice sounds.

 

Liam barely glances at Zayn when he says, "It's past noon. Coffee's almost ready."

 

"Cool," Zayn says awkwardly shifting on his feet in the doorway. He kind of wants to kick himself for being so dumb and messing things up. Never was any conversation between the pair so awkward and stilted. And it's all Zayn's fault. "Here--" He realizes he's spoken a little too loudly when he hears bedsprings shift,  so he lowers his voice. "Here, I'll take care of breakfast, or rather lunch." He adds remembering it's well past noon by now.

 

Liam turns to actually look at him and Zayn takes in the tired look in his eyes. Reds where the whites should be and bags under his eyes. Almost like he didn't sleep much last night. "You sure?"

 

"Totally," Zayn replies, stepping into the kitchen. Liam moves over to the coffee as Zayn retrieves the cheese, bread and butter from the fridge. Grilled cheese is simple enough for a Saturday afternoon.

 

The only sound in the room as Zayn works at the stove is the coffee pouring into the glass pot and the sizzling of butter in the hot frying pan. Maybe once they would have had a whispered conversation, but now there's not much to talk about. Especially not when Zayn has been avoiding Liam purposefully.

 

He's finishing up a fourth sandwich when Liam asks, "Did you ever finish that song?"

 

Zayn freezes for a second remembering that he forgot to put his sheet music away, but relaxes when he remembers that the actual lyrics are in a notebook hidden in his closet. "Yeah, almost." He answers, putting a new sandwich on the stove.

 

Liam clears his throat. "Can I hear it?"

_Never_. "Maybe, when it's  finished." Zayn says softly, overlapping the beep coming from the coffee maker. "It's not that good though." _And it's meant for you, so that's another reason not to_ , he adds in his head.

 

Zayn is so lost in his thoughts and trying to distract himself with making grilled cheese's that he almost misses Liam's next comment. "You can't mean that. All of your songs are great." Liam hands Zayn his coffee in the mug that's meant only for Zayn.

 

"Thanks." Zayn mutters taking a sip as his attention turns to the sound of soft footsteps in the hallway. When the owner of the footsteps finds their way into the kitchen, Zayn kind of wishes he didn't offer to make breakfast.

 

Sophia saunters into the kitchen running a hand through her fluffy bed hair and slinks into a wooden chair. She smiles at Liam and Zayn doesn't look to see if he smiles back. He busies himself with breakfast, trying very hard to not hear their whispers.

 

Niall slumps into the kitchen not long after and falls into a chair closer to Zayn legs scraping along the floor. He cringes at the loud sound before reaching for the coffee and aspirin that Liam is handing him.

 

Zayn can't help but notice that Sophia is wearing a pair of Liam's sweatpants, rolled a couple of times at the hips. And it's not like Zayn wants to hate her, but he can't help but feel a little resentment towards the girl. But he can't even do that because Sophia is really nice to him and she sometimes cooks for them. She's gorgeous and anyone with eyes can see that, and maybe Liam is kind of lucky to have someone like her.

 

"You can take your sandwiches if you want." Zayn told them quietly starting a sixth sandwich. He's decided he'll only make enough for the other boys and sneak upstairs to finish his abandoned pizza, but mostly to escape Sophia and Liam's annoyingly cute cuddling. Niall takes his and quickly retreats to the couple-free livingroom.

 

It takes less than ten minutes to finish the rest of the sandwiches, but it feels like an eternity to Zayn and when he finishes he rushes to his room, taking the coffee with him, with the excuse of needing a shower.

 

.

 

That evening Zayn finds himself curled on the floor in front of the TV with a bowl of popcorn in front of him. Liam and Sophia sit on the couch, with an open seat where Zayn could have sat, but definitely didn't want to. Louis and Harry stuffed themselves into the adjacent loveseat. And Niall lounged in the recliner meant just for him.

 

It wasn't horrible. He didn't have to watch Sophia kiss Liam. Or Liam rub her inner thigh. Or any interaction between them.

 

Like most movie nights Zayn falls asleep halfway through the movie. Not too long ago, he would have fallen asleep on Liam's shoulder. Liam is all hard muscle, but he makes for a comfortable pillow and Zayn would prefer him to the hard ground.

 

In the middle of the night, Zayn wakes up from being jostled around. He shifts a little and gets a whiff of a familiar scent. Coconut scented body wash mingled with Apple Mango Tango detergent that only one person in the household uses. There's also only one person in the house who would carry him to bed. Harry usually took care of Louis, and Niall is too lazy, leaving only Liam.

 

Zayn can't be bothered to remember the last time someone carried him to bed, but it had to have been a long time ago.

 

He's fading in and out of consciousness when he feels himself being put into the bed. It kind of surprises him when Liam pulls his duvet over him and tucks Zayn into bed, almost like his mother used to when he was sick. He expects Liam to leave after that, to go and sleep in Niall's room like he does most movie nights.

 

No. Zayn feels a pair of soft lips, _Liam's_ lips, on his forehead. Then Liam leaves after that.

 

When the door is shut and the room is dark, Zayn stares up at the empty ceiling, not that he can really see it, and thinks. He thinks that maybe things could go back to the way it was before he fucked up. He wonders if Sophia and Liam weren't together, would he still have that chance.

 

All that thinking gets him so riled up, he can't sleep. Tossing and turning, counting sheep from one to a hundred, one hundred all the way back down to one, nothing helps. Finally Zayn gets up, opening the window and pulling up a chair to sit in.

 

It's cold out there, but Zayn's skin feels hot, almost feverish and he kind of likes cold nights like this. They're quieter and there's something about the night that relaxes him. It also makes him think that much more.

 

The neighborhood they live in is mostly quiet, unlike the one Zayn grew up in. No neighbors shouting at each other, no children wreaking havoc, and no teenage girls feeling rebellious and dating a boy with dark hair, tattoos, and a motorcycle (Zayn would know, he was once that boy).

 

If anything this was the perfect place to live. The neighbors were friendly and didn't at all mind when Louis was in a mood and yelled more than often. Occasionally a couple of children would come knocking on the door to play a game of footie with Louis and Niall.

 

The cold breeze flowing through the window isn't enough to relax Zayn's mind, that's why he reaches for the jacket at the end of his bed and pulls out a pack of Marlboro's and a lighter. After a few flicks, he finally lights a cigarette and brings it to his lips.

 

Some days he tells himself he's going to stop smoking altogether, but other days when life gets the best of him he finds himself itching to take a drag and smoke all of his troubles away.

 

Like the morning Liam and Sophia walked into the kitchen hand in hand, Liam's darker skin mingling with Sophia's lighter skin, Louis and Harry cooed over how adorable they were, Niall wolf-whistled and Zayn couldn't handle it. He flew through just over half a pack in less than two hours, fingers trembling and unsteady. He would have gone farther, but Louis found him and hid the rest of the pack, then forced Zayn to sit in the basement in front of an easel with a paintbrush in his hand and let out his frustrations the proper way.

 

But the canvas was too small to hold all of Zayn's emotions. And that's why every time someone goes down there he has to lie and say he failed an art exam so he threw paint everywhere. Nobody believes him; they all know that Zayn is phenomenal when it comes to anything artsy. Though they all let him think that they do. .

 

When only the butt of the cigarette is left and Zayn's eyelids are heavy, he stubs it out and finally lays to rest in bed, leaving the window wide open because the cold air feels relaxing (and he wants an excuse to burrow under the heaviest blankets).

 

.

 

He wakes up on Monday morning to Louis jumping on his bed yelling, "Get _up_ , you twat! You're gonna be late for work!"

 

Zayn shoves him off with a "Fuck off" and buries his face in his pillow. But that doesn't turn Louis away, if anything it makes him more determined to get Zayn out of bed. So it doesn't surprise Zayn when cold hands find his ankles and he's being yanked from his bed, knees hitting the carpeted floor.

 

"Hurry and take a shower, we need to talk." Louis says before prancing out of the room like nothing just happened. Zayn sighs at him and runs a hand through his mess of bed hair.

 

The clock says 9:36 a.m., but Zayn's heart and soul say 'too damn early for this shit', but he has to make money to pay rent somehow.

 

He drags himself to the bathroom down the hall, noting that the house is actually quiet. But it's Monday, so Liam is probably at work and Niall and Harry are in class. Louis doesn't do anything on Monday's besides bother anyone who actually does have things to do, and Zayn gets the pleasure of being that person today.

 

His shower is quick and he may or may not have borrowed Liam's Coconut scented body wash as an act of momentary weakness (if he can't smell Liam, he can at least smell like Liam). Louis is sat in his room flicking through an iPod that definitely isn't his and makes no move to leave when Zayn enters the room.

Zayn watches him skip through a few songs, wondering how just yesterday Louis was dressed in bright red skinny jeans and toms with a clean shaven face and his hair done up, when today he looked as if he hadn’t showered in days. It’s a mystery how he can easily flop back and forth between two personalities that are both very different, but disturbingly alike. Zayn just shakes his head and goes back to getting dressed.

 

"Is that Liam's?" Zayn wonders aloud, turning to his closet and pulls out black skinnies and a jumper that is too large to be his own. It might be Harry's or Liam's, clothes get swapped so often it's hard to tell.

 

Louis hums. "Yep."

 

"May I ask how and why you got it?" Zayn asks, sliding one leg and then the other into pants that are a little too tight. But if he's learned anything from living under the same roof as Harry is that no pants are ever too tight.

 

Louis doesn't answer, instead he plugs the iPod into the empty deck on the table beside Zayn's bed and presses play. From the first note Zayn recognizes the song, and he has to wonder why is it on Liam's iPod.

 

"Is that-"

 

"Yeah." Louis nods, lips pressed in a tight line. He let's it play a little longer as the woman sings _'In my memory, while my head bleeds, the words I'll never find'_ and Zayn feels a dull aching sensation in his chest right about where his heart should be. Thankfully Louis presses skip and the next song starts up.

 

For a second the ache goes away, but comes right back when the next song starts. He listens as he pulls on his shirt and a beanie (because there is no way he's getting his hair done before he has to leave) and doesn't know what to think.

 

 _"You fake a smile, you lie and say 'I'm better now than ever' and your life's okay."_ Louis sings along and sure that's exactly what Zayn's been doing, but why is this important?

 

The song changes one more time and Taylor Swift is singing about a _sad, beautiful, tragic love affair._ There's that ache again, except this time it's a sharp stinging pain.

 

"What is the point of this?" Zayn asks, his voice sounding sharper than he intended.

 

Louis rolls his eyes, pausing the music and runs a hand through his unruly hair. "This is Liam's iPod. Since when does he listen to girl groups and country singers?"

 

"To be fair, that song's not really country."

 

"Doesn't matter." Louis huffs. "Ever since whatever happened, and I still don't know the full story, you've been playing sad songs and throwing paint everywhere. And don't think for one second I didn't find the hundreds of apology letters in your trash bin addressed to Liam."

 

Zayn fidgets with the hem of the jumper he put on. Louis' giving him such an intense glare, there's a chance Zayn might burst into flames. "Well--"

 

"Well what? Are you gonna sit around and pretend you aren't arse over tit for Liam, while he's snogging that girl the way you wish you could?" Zayn tries to answer but Louis silences him with a wave of his hand. "No. I thought it was horrible watching the two of you flirt and be even more disgusting than me and Harry, but this is- I can't even with this."

 

"What am I supposed to do then?" Zayn storms out of the room. He's done with talking and he's going to be late for work. "Have you seen them? I swear Sophia looks at Liam like the sun shines out of his ass."

 

Right behind him, Louis says, "Don't believe everything you see, dammit Zayn!" He tosses Zayn the keys that they were searching for, "Tell anyone this and I'll deny it, but I love you mate, and you and Liam are getting on my nerves."

 

Before Zayn is out of the door, he shoves Liam's iPod at him. "What do you want me to do with this?"

 

"Just press play and listen to this playlist, alright?"

 

Zayn nods and shuts the door behind him.

 

.

 

He does listen to the playlist.

 

He listens to it in his car on the way to work. He listens to it while he puts the books back in their rightful places on the shelves. On his break while he rereads Looking For Alaska (because John Green is a damn good author). He listens in between customers even though Cher snaps at him for having his headphones plugged in.

 

It's not like they're swamped or anything. It's a bookstore for fucks sake. On a good day, maybe they get about twenty to thirty purchases. But Zayn's not knocking the bookstore, if anything it's his home away from home.

 

The playlist, titled 'Z', has songs that hit Zayn with the force of a train going full speed. Most of the songs were slow and sounded like something you'd find on the phone of a teenage girl. And he couldn't help but feel like every song was directed at him (the fact that the title was 'Z' only added to the feeling).

 

And he doesn't know how to feel.

 

.

 

Liam, on the other hand, he runs.

 

He used to run when he was feeling stressed. He used to run to exhaust himself when he couldn't get his mind off of something. And he used to run mostly to keep in shape.

 

Now, he runs to keep Zayn off of his mind. He runs so he doesn't have to think about eyes the color of caramel, that sometimes look like honey and other times shine with bits of gold in the sun. He runs to keep soft skin and tattoos off of his mind.

 

Overall he runs because he made a mistake.

 

There was a time when Liam was unconditionally happy. But now, he's only happy because he forces it. And he has friends that will do anything to make him not sad. Oh, and a girlfriend. A girlfriend he really likes (or at least that's what he tells himself).

 

It's just, Zayn was his happiness. He enjoyed waking up in the middle of the night to Zayn's restless piano playing (he still does, but he can't help but notice that lately the songs aren't as upbeat as they used to sound). He liked staying up all hours of the night watching action movies with Zayn.

 

But none of this is Zayn's fault. It's nobodies but Liam. He made a mistake believing that Zayn was ever into him.

 

.

 

Sophia was just there and Liam didn't mean for it to happen, he was only trying to-- well he doesn't know what he was trying to do, really. Sophia was just there and he kissed her, and it helped. But not much.

 

.

 

He's coming back from a run when he notices Zayn's car parked beside his own. The contrast between the two cars is quite funny. Zayn's is sleek and black and is much newer and nicer than Liam's old rustbucket. The main difference is Zayn's was a present from his parents for going to school and Liam had to save up for his own because his parents couldn't afford it.

 

A part of him wants to keep on running until he's certain Zayn isn't the only one in the house. But another part of him knows that he can't overwork himself and that he needs a shower. Liam sniffs himself, he really needs a shower.

 

"Payno!" Louis calls from the livingroom when Liam comes in, removing his shoes. "We've ordered takeaway from that Indian place Zayn likes. Join us when you've had a shower."

 

Liam rolls his eyes making his way into the kitchen for a bottle of water. It's just his luck that Zayn is in the kitchen, sitting on the counter sipping from a mug that's most likely filled with tea, because of course Liam knows that Zayn likes morning coffee and an evening tea.

 

He pretends not to notice Zayn's eyes lingering on him a beat too long when he crosses over to the freezer, pulling out the bottle he put in there before his run.

 

Maybe a few months ago, there wouldn't have been a thick, awkward silence between them. They'd chat about their day, Zayn prolonging the conversation though he knows Liam needs to take a shower. Some days they'd talk for hours until Louis or Niall came in and physically dragged Liam out and shoved him in the bathroom.

 

But that was then and this is now. And now, Liam doesn't hang around in the kitchen longer than necessary. Meaning he grabs his cold bottle of water and ducks out.

 

As he showers he pretends not to notice Zayn's full bottle of Axe body wash and that his is half empty. He tries his hardest not to remember how sometimes when he'd find his way into Zayn's room in the middle of the night, how Zayn's bed would smell like cigarettes, cologne and coconut scented body wash.

 

In his room, Liam slides into sweatpants and a shirt a little too snug. It's possible Zayn's but could probably be Louis' because nobody really does their own laundry and most of their clothes are swapped more often than not.

 

Niall enters Liam's room without knocking, and maybe at first it was a bit annoying because Liam might have been indecent or trying to have a little personal time, but over time he's gotten used to it. Niall sits on the bed and smiles brightly at him.

 

"What are you so happy about?" Liam laughs as he picks stray clothes up off the floor.

 

"Well, Cher is taking me to meet her parents this weekend," Niall sighs. "Also, Louis said, get your arse downstairs before he cuts your dick off, you've been up here forever and he wants to start the movie. And I'm starving so let's go."

 

"What movie?"

 

"Love Actually."

 

Liam groans but follows Niall out the door because he's also hungry.

 

.

 

Sometimes Liam likes to think that if he'd met Sophia under different circumstances and he wasn't madly in love with Zayn, that maybe he could see himself actually falling in love with her. She's gorgeous, funny, sweet, and can cook almost as good as his mother.

 

It's just that she's too soft in his hands, too sweet on his lips, and too _not Zayn_. And when he's with her, he can't see their relationship lasting much longer. He doesn't feel anything remotely close to what he used to feel-- still feels-- for Zayn.

 

Her eyes just a shade too dark, not like Zayn's honey colored ones. Her hair is soft, but it doesn't feel the same in between his fingers, not the way Zayn's hair does. The only similarities there is that neither of them like their hair being touched, but unlike with Sophia, Liam was always the exception to Zayn's rule. Sometimes he wonders if he still is.

 

Liam doesn't want to hurt Sophia either. It's pretty clear that she's more into their relationship than he is. Almost like how he was more into Zayn than he was into Liam. And he knows how much that hurts.

 

.

 

Every Friday Liam's mum, Karen, calls at 5 to check on him. She's done it ever since he went away to school three years, and promised him she'd do it until she was old and unable to operate whatever new phone they had out.

 

She's never missed a Friday, and today wasn't an exception.

 

"How're the boys?" She asks like always. She cares for them as if they were her own children. "Louis and Niall haven't burned the house down yet?"

 

Liam laughs, remembering the time they almost did. "No, the house is still intact and they're banned from using any appliances not meant for small children. And Harry told me to thank you for the cookies you sent."

 

"Tell him I said anytime." She pauses and Liam squeezes his eyes shut because he already knows what she's going to ask next. "What about that boyfriend of yours, Zayn?"

 

Liam groans, a hollow feeling in his chest. "He's not my boyfriend, mum." He hisses. "And you already know I have a girlfriend."

 

"Alright, fine. He's not your boyfriend, but--"

 

" _Is that Liam_?" He hears his sister's voice in the background. _"Did you tell him yet?"_

 

His mother shushes her, before turning back to the phone. "I was just getting to that. Ruth just got engaged and she's brought her fiance home for a family dinner. Your other sister will be getting here tomorrow, for the dinner. And--"

 

"You've got to be here, no matter what. Or else I'll tell everyone about the thing you did when you were seven and you--"

 

" _Ruth! Give me back the phone._ " Liam laughs at the sounds of his mother and sister fighting over the phone.

 

"Sorry about that." HIs mum breathes.

 

"Don't worry about it mum, I'll be there."

 

"And bring a friend."

 

"Alright, mum. Love you."

 

"Love you, too."

 

.

 

Liam has every reason to take Sophia. Nicola had her fiance, Ruth would obviously bring her husband, and of course his parents would be there. The point being, the table would be packed with _couples_. So it would make sense for him to take Sophia.

 

He also has every reason not to take her. It would be the first time she'd be meeting them and he didn't want her to get the wrong idea because they've only been together a couple of months. He didn't want her to think that he wanted even _more._

 

But when he finds himself poised at Zayn's door, arm raised and ready to knock, he tells himself he's doing this because it's much too soon for her to meet his parents, not because he'd rather have Zayn there with him. And of course he could have asked any of the other boys, but Niall is meeting Cher's parents and you can't really separate Louis and Harry. So he has no choice but to ask Zayn.

 

Liam finally knocks, and Zayn tells him to come in. He finds Zayn on his bed, bent over a textbook and notebook paper, pencil in one hand and a cigarette tucked away behind his ear. His hair isn't fluffed up and Liam tries not to notice the dark circles under his eyes when he looks up to see who's at the door.

 

"Oh, hey." Zayn says, and Liam wonders where the boy he'd fallen in love with went. Some time ago, Liam wouldn't have had to knock because Zayn wouldn't have minded him barging in. He would have welcomed Liam with a grin brighter than the sun and they would have talked about anything and everything. But Liam isn’t sure if he’d be crossing any lines.

 

Liam sits at the edge of the bed, closing the door behind him. "So, I need to ask you for a favor."

 

Zayn closes his pencil into the textbook and says, "Anything for you, Liam." He tries not to think too hard about that.

 

"So I've got to go to my parents this weekend for a big family dinner, and I kind of need you to come with me."

 

"So, you want me to be your date?" Zayn smirks. Liam turns pink as he tries to find a way to correct him. "Kidding, Liam. Why not your girlfriend?"

 

"Don't you think it's too soon?" Zayn nods in agreement.

 

.

 

Liam wakes up around 9 the next morning. Harry is the only other person awake. With Niall gone the night before, Louis and Zayn in bed, the large house is virtually quiet.

 

He stands in Zayn's doorway debating if he should wake him or not (and it's definitely not because Zayn looks like an angel when he's asleep) when Zayn says just above a whisper, "You know, it's not very polite to watch people while they're asleep. It's very creepy, actually."

 

"Well wake up then. We've got to be on the road by eleven, it's a four hour drive."

 

.

 

They leave at 12. But that's really Louis' fault.

 

He practically held Zayn hostage in his room and not even Harry could do much about it. Just before they left Zayn stormed out of the house and slumped in the front seat without a goodbye to either of the boys.

 

Liam on the other hand half hugged Harry and yelled up to Louis reminding them to clean up after themselves.

 

In Zayn's car, because he refused to drive in Liam's and get stuck on the highway when it eventually broke down, they ride with the windows up and the music turned down low, only because Zayn was asleep and Liam didn't want to disturb him. He really couldn't focus, though, because Zayn looked like an angel when he slept. His thick eyelashes fanned out across his smooth cheekbones, fluttering every few seconds or so. The corners of his lips turned down in a frown, matching his furrowed eyebrows and crossed arms. He'd looked that way when he sat down, pulling on his Beats meaning he was in no mood to talk, and fell asleep the same way.

 

When Liam passes the halfway mark (it's only been an hour and a half and he might have been speeding) his phone rings, Marimba playing. Without looking he knew it was Harry, he'd set the ringtone in attempt to be ironic because Harry hates the tone. Recently, he's started to understand why.

 

"Zayn's asleep, right?" Harry asks, not bothering with a greeting.

 

"Yeah."

 

"Good." He pauses, just a second.  "You realize that he's just as miserable as you are?"

 

Liam glances at Zayn's sleeping figure with a frown, "I doubt that. And I'm not either.”

 

"Sure you arent. We both know I'm right and that every second that you and Zayn don't spend together laughing about something only the two of you understand, is just another second that you hate yourself for something you didn't do." Liam's knuckles tighten around the steering wheel. "And you can't keep avoiding him and looking at him with those lost puppy eyes you have."

 

"I don't--"

 

"Yeah you do. Aside from the fact that you're too blind to see that he's literally dying without you, you're only killing him more bringing her in and out every other damn day," Harry hisses. Liam cringes at his tone, Harry is his best friend and in all the time Liam has known him, he’s rarely ever used this tone on Liam. It was usually reserved for rude strangers in bars.

 

"I know, I'm working on it." Liam sighs.

 

"One more thing," It's Louis this time. "How well did you think this through, because I'm pretty sure your parents house isn't that large, and there's only one bed in your damn room."

 

"Oh."

 

"And Liam, I swear if you don't fix this I'm fucking tired of him drowning himself in his own fucking tears."

 

The phone clicks off and Liam is too shocked to move the phone from his ear.

 

"Oh."

 

.

 

When Liam pulls up to his house, he has to park on the side, his parents and sisters cars taking up the driveway. One part of him wants to stay in the car and watch Zayn sleep, not that it's creepy or anything, and another part of him wants to carry Zayn inside like the princess he is and let him sleep. Either way, he doesn't want to have to wake Zayn up.

 

Eventually he gives in and shakes Zayn gently. It takes some time but Zayn blinks awake, licking his lips slowly and if Liam's pants feel a little tighter and his own mouth a little dryer, that's between himself and himself.

 

"We're, uh-- we're here." Liam says. Zayn blinks at him and nods slowly, like he's just barely awake and he probably is. "We can get the bags before bed if you want."

 

Zayn grins lazily causing Liam's stomach to flip. "'S alright, Li. Let's go inside before I fall back asleep." Zayn let's out a yawn before Liam opens his door and they're walking across the manicured grass. It’s colder today than it’s been all week and Liam notices Zayn slightly shivering with his arms wrapped around himself. Instead of knocking, to save time Liam uses his own key to unlock the front door of his parents place (also he knows that as much as Zayn likes it when it’s cold, he doesn't actually like being cold).

 

The sound of his mum’s laughter reaches Liam's ears when the door swings open and a smile settles across his face. The house looks almost the same as it did when Liam left for school, but he remembers coming home some time ago to hardwood floors instead of the black and white tiles he'd grown up with.

 

He and Zayn make their way into the familiar house and find Liam's family in the livingroom. His mother is the first up, wrapping her arms around him in a tight hug that Liam doesn't hesitate to return. He would never admit it to any of the boys (maybe he would have to Zayn not that long ago, probably not so much now) but he misses his mother more often than not, he was quite the mummy's boy. When his mum releases him, tears in her eyes because her baby boy has grown into quite the young man (Liam doesn't blush), his father claps him on the shoulder as his choice form of greeting.

 

Next are his two sisters who both attack him the way they always do, with too tight hugs and kisses that leave lip-shaped red and pink stains on his forehead, cheeks, and chin. Eventually he manages to get them off of him, using his sleeves to rub off the lipstick and shakes his brother-in-law's (Eric) hand. Ruth literally drags him over to her fiance, whom Liam's met at least once before, but under different circumstances. Very different circumstances.

 

"Liam, this is Nicholas, my fiance. Nicholas, this is my baby brother, Liam." Their eyes meet and for a brief moment, a look of recognition washes over his face, but he brushes it off and stands up, just that much taller than Liam.

 

"You can call me Nick." He smiles, though it looks more like a smirk and Liam does accept the hand that he'd had sticking out.

 

Someone clears their throat and Liam turns around to see Zayn lingering in the doorway awkwardly. All eyes turn to him for some sort of an explanation, but before he can actually give one, his big mouth sister blurts, "Oh, Liam's brought a boy home!"

 

After that, it doesn't take much for her and Nicola to start fawning over him and Liam pretends not to notice the blush creeping up on Zayn's cheeks, though he does notice the confused look  Zayn gives him.

 

"Actually, he's not my-- we don't-- we're not dating." Besides telling his mother multiple times during every one of their many phone calls, he can't remember the last time he's actually had to tell someone that he and Zayn weren't dating (well he can, he just tries not to, it’s like reopening an old wound). It used to be that whenever he and Zayn, or even all of the boys, went out, they'd get some comment on how cute the couple were. And each time, Liam told them, sadly, that he and Zayn weren't a couple. No matter how much he wished it true, it wasn't, but sometimes he could pretend for just a second or two that they were.

 

"This is Zayn. One of my best mates." Liam says, and that's that.

 

.

 

Dinner isn't horrible, or awkward, to say the least.

 

He was expecting it to be, but that's probably because Liam's met Ruth's fiance one morning as he was sneaking out his front door in his underwear after a one night stand during a difficult time in Louis and Harry's relationship (actually, the only difficult time and it lasted one night and not even through noon the next day). Also he and Zayn hadn't spoken to each other much after he introduced him to his sisters. Then there's the looming fact that he and Zayn are going to have to end up sharing his bed, which from past experiences Liam knows isn't that big, and the conversation between he and Harry playing on repeat in the back of his head.

 

At one point, while Liam's mum is talking to Ruth and Nicola about this new healthy dish she'd saw on television and his dad ("Call me Geoff," he told Zayn and Nick) is laughing with Eric about some sports team Liam hadn't heard about in ages, Zayn's hand comes down to rest on Liam's leg. It stays there through the rest of the main meal and into desert.

 

While Liam's taking a bite of the coconut pie his mum made, Zayn leans in, his warm breath tickling Liam's ear as he whispers, "Please tell me you remember this guy from that one time Louis and Harry got in that huge fight?"

 

Sure, it was one fight, but the thing is, Louis and Harry didn't (and still don't) fight. And on the very rare occasion that they do, it's extremely memorable because dealing with an angry or even slightly upset Louis is like trying to calm a category 5 hurricane. There's also an angsty and brooding Harry to try and manage. The point being, it was a very big deal.

 

Liam nodded in response, his full mouth preventing him from answering. The corners of Zayn's lips tipped upwards into an almost smile, but it wasn't really a smirk either.

 

"Liam, we haven't heard much from you tonight." His father asked. Zayn's fingers began tapping an uneven rhythm on his thigh. "How's school treating you?"

 

Liam shrugged. "It's alright, I guess."

 

"Anyone special got your eye now?" Zayn's fingers stopped for a beat, but picked right back up, and if this were a horrible chick flick Liam would have done that annoying thing where he stared on at Zayn longingly but answered "No", all the while Zayn's completely oblivious to what's happening. But that’s not happening because this isn’t some movie, and if it were he and Zayn would have had a happy ending.

 

"I've, uh, I've got someone." Liam answered, trying to stay as vague as possible while hoping his father, or sisters, wouldn't press any further. Unfortunately for him, they did.

 

"Oh! Who's the lucky lad?" Nicola asked, and Liam didn't miss the way her eyes darted between he and Zayn.

 

"Uh," Liam coughed, "Actually it's a she. My, uh, girlfriend, Sophia." He's not sure when Zayn's fingers went from light tapping to him scratching his nails (with slightly more pressure than necessary, Liam thinks) across Liam's knee to his lower thigh, then his hand is completely gone, resting in his own lap.

 

"Well, why didn't you bring her?" Geoff asks, Karen swats at his arm as if telling him not to be rude while Zayn is sitting right there.

 

Liam can't really look him in the eye as he tells him, "She, uh, she was busy. Couldn't make it." His mother doesn't look like she believes him. Zayn sips from his glass rather loudly and Liam glares at him for it. "Ruth, I just love hearing the story of your engagement, why don't you tell us again, but this time in great detail." He says trying to create some sort of distraction, and thankfully Ruth never gets tired of telling the story.

 

The rest of dinner flies past and lingers into the night with their parents recounting stories from when each of the children were younger and Liam and his sisters trying to one-up each other with the most embarrassing moments. Liam sees that Nick is really good for Ruth, too. He'd only met him briefly that one time, and in a very awkward situation, but tonight he learns that they are both very similar, but extremely different in the best ways possible. Also, he can see how in love they are and it kind of makes his heart ache.

 

Actually, looking at his parents and the way his mother leans into his father when she laughs, or how he looks at her and he can see them almost 30 years younger and just as in love then as they are now, and he feels hollow. Eric looks at his sister like she put the sun in the sky, along with all the stars and the moon and his chest feels tight.

 

It's not just that Liam wants to find someone who will look at him like that, or that he could hold the way Nick holds Ruth. Sometimes he used to think he found that person when he and Zayn would have nights to themselves. He tries to think that when he's out with Sophia, but he'd be lying if he said he believed himself.

 

A lot of the night, he finds himself watching Zayn. It's amazing the way Zayn has really managed to squeeze himself into cracks and corners of Liam's life. His family embraces Zayn, not isolating him or making him feel uncomfortable, or at least that's what Liam sees. It both warms his heart and makes him long for something that might never be.

 

.

 

After dinner, and they've all said goodnight, Liam and Zayn head outside. Karen stops them for a second, but Liam reassures her that he and Zayn are definitely going to stay the night, they just need to grab their bags from the car. She kisses them each on the cheek and makes her way upstairs.

 

Zayn and Liam cross the grass silently to Zayn's car, but while Liam's pulling their bags from the trunk, Zayn leans against the passenger door and pulls out his lighter and a cigarette. Just as he's lighting it Liam says, "Thanks again for coming. I probably would have, like, died if you weren't here."

 

Zayn blows out smoke as he's saying, "No problem." It’s colder than it was earlier, much colder, and Zayn is glad he wore a coat over his jumper, not that it completely protects him from the cold breeze.

 

Liam stares at him for a long second before he drops the bag and leans on the car beside Zayn, stuffing his hands into his pockets. "Did you have fun?"

 

Did Zayn have fun? Of course he did. Well, he could do, or maybe could have done anything with Liam, literally, and enjoyed himself. "Your family is really cool."

 

Liam smiles at him and Zayn almost doesn't notice him taking the cigarette dangling from his fingers. He watches as Liam brings it to his mouth and there's something almost sinful about the way his lips close around it and his cheeks hollow out when he breathes in. Then he's releasing the smoke from his lungs slowly, and Zayn has the urge to kiss Liam. The thought of Liam's lips clouding his mind.

 

A car drives past and he catches himself as he’s leaning in, almost closing the small distance between them, but the nagging voice in the back of his head reminds him that Liam has a girlfriend. A girlfriend he likes (not enough to meet his parents, but that's none of his business).

 

Then he’s remembering what Louis said to him earlier that week, and before they left. He’d pulled Zayn aside, something he’s been doing a lot lately, to yell at him again about his feelings.

 

_“You’re sad Zayn.” Louis had said. Zayn scoffed and rolled his eyes. “And not like, emotionally sad either. Like, pathetic sad.”_

_“How is this supposed to make me feel better?” Zayn sighed, sliding on his shoes._

_“It’s not.” Louis said matter-of-factly. “It’s supposed to get you to wake up. I know you’ve been listening to the damn playlist. You haven’t taken your headphones from your ears since I told you about it.” Zayn looked away from Louis, shaking his head the way a child would. “Also, find a new hiding place for your little song notebook, it’s not hard to find.”_

_“Louis,”  he groaned. “What’s the point of all this, we were supposed to leave almost a half hour ago.”_

_“The point is, you and Liam are both broken and the two of you are the only ones who can fix each other.”_

_“What am I supposed to do?” Zayn asked throwing his hands in the air. “He’s got a girlfriend. What? Do you want me to get down on one knee and start singing You Belong With Me? They’re happy together and as long as he’s happy I don’t care.”_

_That’s when Louis grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him gently. “Open your eyes Zayn. Liam’s not happy.”_

_“How would you know?”_

_“Well maybe if you didn’t spend so much time running away from this, you’d see it too.” Louis sat himself beside Zayn and rested his head on Zayn’s shoulder. “Even if he looks happy, you make him happier.”_

_“I hate you, you know.”_

_“Same.”_

_They sat that way for about a minute before Louis stood up and started yelling at Zayn again. Then when Zayn finally left, he was in a foul mood and slept the whole ride._

 

But Zayn just can’t imagine Liam not being happy, or even being unhappy without Zayn. Then again, on more than one occasion both Louis and Niall had told Zayn “don’t believe everything you see”, not like he ever actually listened to them.

 

"Is something wrong?" Liam asks. Zayn shakes his head and snags the cigarette back from Liam. As he's taking a drag, it dawns on him that he and Liam will end up sharing a room. More than likely sharing the same bed.

 

Zayn doesn't know why, but that thought doesn't scare him as much as it catches him off guard, causing his breath to catch and everything he inhaled to come out in short, painful breaths, which really just feels like he's coughing up his lungs. Liam's beside his doubled over figure in an instant, rubbing at his back softly while Zayn tries to get fresh air back into his lungs. The cigarette fell from his hands during his coughing fit and Liam stomped it out where it was.

 

The walk back inside isn't as quiet as it was coming out. Liam keeps asking if Zayn's okay, he won't even let Zayn carry his own bag, and Zayn keeps telling him that he's fine.

 

"You sure?" Liam asks one more time when they're in his room. Zayn rolls his eyes in fond annoyance at Liam's concern.

 

“I’m alright, Liam. I promise.” Zayn says as he stuffs his clothes back into his bag. He and Liam had just changed into some more comfortable clothes to sleep in. He’s thankful that he actually remembered to grab some sweatpants, or else it might have been just a tad bit awkward sleeping in just his underwear.

 

Sleeping in the same bed shouldn’t be awkward for them either. A few months back Zayn would have gladly cuddle up beside Liam without hesitation, but now he’s worried about crossing over boundaries, not really sure where he and Liam stand most times.

 

Zayn lays on the side of the small bed closest to the window, while Liam lays closer to the edge of the bed. And it’s really awkward, the bed being designed for one person with two people so obviously trying not to get too close to each other. In the end, the two men end up sleeping facing away from each other.

 

.

 

Zayn wakes up warmer than when he fell asleep, with his face pressed into something, or rather someone, warm. He realizes it’s because there’s a warm body trapped under him, Liam’s body, that is. Sometime during the night they must have moved to curl around each other to get more comfortable.

 

He’s not so much pressed into Liam as he is laying on top of him with one leg draped over Liam’s with his arm around Zayn’s waist. The thing is, Zayn could move off of Liam, but he doesn’t because what if he accidentally wakes Liam? That’s the only reason he doesn’t move, not because Zayn’s feeling a little selfish and if he can’t really have Liam the way he wants, then he can have this one thing.

 

Zayn lets his eyes fall shut as he snuggles in closer to Liam, breathing in deep because Liam’s got a sort of addicting scent and it’s been a long time since they’ve been this close. He ends up drifting off to sleep again on top of Liam’s rising and falling chest.

 

.

 

When he wakes up, the bed beside him is empty but not exactly cold, like Liam had gotten up not too long ago. Zayn ignores the empty feeling he gets and searches for his phone. There are no missed calls, but three unread texts. Two from Niall and one from Louis. Both messages from Niall are about how well it’s going and how much he loves Cher and her parents. Louis’ text is in all caps basically telling Zayn to stop being a dick.

 

He rolls his eyes as he gets out of the bed and looks around Liam’s old room. There’s a shelf above his bed littered with rugby trophies that Zayn smiles fondly at as he remembers the times he and Liam used to lay in bed and Liam would tell him about his high school rugby career. Zayn shook his head and moved on to the bookshelf beside Liam’s bed. At least one or two shelves had actual books, the rest were filled with comics (not in alphabetical order or by series, but from his favorites to least favorites).

 

One book caught Zayn’s attention, Wuthering Heights, because he remembered he and Liam talking about books they had to read in high school and this was Liam’s least favorite. Zayn started flipping through the well worn pages, chuckling to himself when a Batman comic fell out. He put the book back and the dresser that sat in between the two windows at the other side of his room, where there were pictures of him all the way back to his kinder years, caught Zayn’s attention next.

 

The first frame he picked up was a picture of Liam, he couldn’t have been older than fourteen, squeezed in between two girls that Zayn recognizes as his sisters. The one beside it is a picture of Liam when he was probably four or five, sitting on Santa’s lap and grinning at something off camera. Zayn finds himself looking at it with a fond smile. He’s looking at a picture of Liam standing by Niall, both in graduation gowns holding matching diplomas and bright smiles, when the rooms door opens, startling Zayn a little. He turns around to see Liam poking his head in searching for Zayn, their eyes lock for a second before Liam’s drop to the frame that Zayn is holding.

 

“I was just coming to wake you up,” Liam smiles, slipping into the room leaving the door slightly ajar. “My mum’s made a big breakfast, said she wants all of us to eat together.”

 

Who was Zayn to turn down food? Especially after experiencing last night’s meal. Zayn shrugs and follows Liam out of the room after setting the picture back on the dresser.

 

Before Zayn even makes it all the way down the stairs the smell of waffles, coffee, and eggs hits him causing his stomach to growl. He rubs at it when he realizes how hungry the scent of the food makes makes him, but that doesn’t compare to how he feels when he sees all of it.

 

Thing is, he’s still a college student with a job that pays enough to help him pay bills and have just enough left over to spend on food and whatever dumb thing Louis or Niall make him do. And with a job and classes as early as 9 a.m., he rarely ever has time for breakfast most mornings. So really, the only time Zayn gets a full breakfast like this would probably be around Christmas, when his mum goes all out.

 

At first Zayn feels bad for not being downstairs sooner, most of everybody is already seated at the table, but the feeling goes away when he’s seated and Ruth is pushing in a barely awake Nick. Apparently as soon as they’re seated, it’s the cue for them to dig in, or that’s what Zayn gathers from Liam’s dad forking a few sausages onto his plate.

 

It’s not exactly a buffet, but the food isn’t lacking. Zayn eats little bits of everything, partly trying not to seem greedy, mostly trying not to overdo it.

 

Just like dinner, breakfast is nice and conversational. Zayn feels himself developing a soft spot for Liam’s mum. She’s as sweet as his own mum, a great cook, and she’s so welcoming, making Zayn feel like he’s her own son. He catches both Nicola and Ruth giving him strange looks on more than one occasion, but he brushes it off as a weird sister thing (he has three of his own, so he knows how it goes).

 

Zayn’s reaching for a biscuit when Liam is pushing a warm mug into his hands. He doesn’t have to think twice before he brings it to his lips and knows that Liam fixed it up for him, just the way he likes. He smiles over the brim at Liam, as he sips the warm brown liquid.

 

After breakfast, Zayn offers to help clean up while everyone else dashes off for a mid-morning nap or whatever it is they’ve decided to do with their time. Karen puts away the leftover food leaving Zayn in charge of collecting and cleaning the dishes.

 

“Liam’s told me that you’re a musician?” Karen asks knocking shoulders with Zayn. “How’s that going?”

 

Zayn chuckles to himself, when she shoos him away to finish the dishes herself. “It’s more of a hobby of mine. I’m not looking to get into music or anything serious like that.” He picks up a rag to dry off the dishes she hands him.

 

“Nonsense! I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but Liam’s sent me some videos of you playing and you are amazing.” Zayn shakes his head at her, she sounds like a proud mum. It’s not like he’s never thought about becoming a professional musician or pianist or anything, but it’s not something he could see himself pursuing. That’s why he majors in English and only writes music in his free time.

 

That’s where the conversation ends, Karen humming to herself and Zayn working alongside her until she asks, “You love him, don’t you?” The question is so random and out of the blue that Zayn almost drops the glass he’d been drying off.

 

“Sorry, what was that?” He asks, because surely he’d misheard her, before setting down the glass.

 

Karen turns back to the sink and, instead of cutting the water off, turns it up a little higher, then turns back to face Zayn, who’s leaning on the counter by the sink. She’s got that “Mother Knows Best” smirk on her face, with her arms crossed, as she speaks.

 

“You’re in love with my son, right?” Zayn can feel himself reddening as he tries to find some way to answer the question. A smile breaks out across her face when he doesn’t. “You don’t have to answer, I already know you do. I also know he loves you, not that girl.”

 

Zayn doesn’t really know what to say, and settles on shaking his head at Karen’s turned back. They finish cleaning the kitchen, abandoning the conversation, and Zayn heads upstairs not bothering to join whoever is in the livingroom.

 

.

 

“Make sure you call me when you’re home! Just so I know you’re safe!” Karen shouts just before Liam drives off with a sad smile tugging at the corners of his lips.

 

“Your family is great.” Zayn says above the radio. “Your mum told me you told her about my music, too.”

 

Liam lets out a soft laugh, “Of course I did, you’ve got amazing talent.”

 

“Whatever you say.” Zayn slips his large headphones onto his head. “Wake me up when we’re close to town.” Is all he says before he presses play on the playlist he’d downloaded from Liam’s iPod.

 

He doesn’t fall asleep right away, no matter how much he wills himself too. He can’t fall asleep because of Louis’ “Open your eyes” and Karen’s words and the looks that Liam’s sisters gave he and Liam, and he’s not that daft bloke in every book about teenage romance that would question all these things, except maybe he is. Because it doesn’t really make sense. Because if Liam wasn’t happy with Sophia, then he wouldn’t be with her. Because it’s been months and months of nothing and maybe everybody is seeing something that isn’t there, Zayn included.

 

And it aches, a lot more than it should. More than it did when Liam was dating that beautiful dancer a little over a year ago and he was still trying to convince himself that he loved Liam just as a friend and nothing more. More than it did when they broke up and Zayn was there to comfort him and all he wanted to do was kiss away the pain in Liam’s heart, but he knew he couldn’t and that it was wrong and kind of selfish.

 

Zayn drifts off somewhere between some over the top boyband his sisters are obsessed with singing about missing their other half and that newer goth looking popstar who sings about being in the world alone.


End file.
